Baby Mine
by Peaceouttalove
Summary: FOURTH BOOK IN MARRIED LIFE SERIES
1. Chapter 1

**This is the real sequel for Not Me in the Married Life series. Protection really wasn't going anywhere so I deleted it. This is a requested Kyman pregnancy fic. Don't like don't read. Sorry for the confusion. **

Chapter 1

This weekend was going to be hell and we both knew it. "You sure you want me to go? It's not like it's that important." Eric said. "It is. I'll be fine. It's only two days and I'll be with Stan and Wendy so I won't get lonely." I assured him.

Eric was going to Denver for the Colorado State Police meeting this weekend. It was a big step in his career and they might consider expanding his jurisdiction to North Park as well as South Park if things went well. So who was I to hold him back? It was only one weekened. If it was year or something crazy like that, I would refuse to let him go, but this was different.

"Kyle will be OK here. Now go dude, you're gonna be late." Stan said. "I've got time. It's not even dawn yet." Eric said.

He leaned into me, but I pulled back. I wanted our goodbye kiss to be special because it had to last us for the next two days. "I haven't brushed my teeth yet." "Oh, it's cool, dude, I'll go get you some tictacs." Stan ran off to the kitchen and handed me a bottle full of tictacs. Since when did they come in a bottle? Whatever, I grabbed several and swallowed them like pills.

Stan turned to give us some privacy (and seeing us kiss still kind of grossed him out). The kiss didn't last long enough for my taste. Eric seemed to agree, "Bedroom, now!" he barked. "But we don't have time to-" "Three minutes, that's all I need!"

I nodded and ran to the guest room, Eric followed. It was the quickest but most passionate sex I ever had. When we were done, I realized he hadn't worn a condom.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Stan felt bad for Kyle, who had fallen asleep crying that night. He was awake on the couch, reading a book, while waiting for Wendy to return home from her job as a pharmacist.

She was back in a few minutes with a serious look on her face. Stan recognized the look and pinched the bridge of his nose. Wedny had had a bad dat at work and was going to bitch about it.

"There's been a major shipping problem lately and it's really getting on my nerves." Wendy started before she could even hop into bed. Stan pretended to listen, but was really into his book. "Someone ordered female hormone pills and they sent her tictacs! Can you believe it? And now they're blaming it on me because apparently they sent the pills to us!" "Yeah that must be-Wait, what?!" Did Stan hear that right? No he must've heard wrong.

"I'm thinking of sueing because we could have accidentally taken spme of the pills thinking that they were tictacs." Wendy continued. "This is not good." Stan said. "I know it's not. I just hope I don't get fired over this because it is not my fault." "No, Wendy, I think..." Stan swallowed, "I accidentally gave Kyle some of the pills thinking they were tictacs."

"YOU WHAT?!" Wendy cried. "It was an accident." Stan said. "You might've posioned your best friend. How many did he take?" "I don't know at least five." Stan mumbled not wanting to look her in the eye.

"That does it!" Wendy ran to Kyle's room and woke him up. "What's going on?" he mumbled. "We're taking you to the hospital. Stan might've drugged you by mistake." "What do you mean?" "I'm sorry dude. I thought they were tictacs." Stan said. "Come on, we'll explain on the way there." Wendy said.

* * *

"Is he gonna be OK?" Stan insantly asked the doctor when walked out of Kyle's room. The doctor smiled, "It's a miracle, but you're going to be a father!" Stan turned pale and threw up all over the hospital floor.

Wendy came running, "What happened?" "I was just telling Mr. Cartman the good news." the doctor said. "He's not Er-" "Kyle's pregnant."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I had been in the hospital all weekend but I had never felt better. My baby was only three cells big, but it was there. I couldn't believe I was pregnant! If I squinted my eyes I could even see the tiny dot on the ultrasound screen.

There was a knock on the door, "Your husband's here." the doctor called, "Should I let him in?" "Yeah." I looked down at my stomach, "Ready to meet Daddy?" I wondered how Eric would react to the news. I prayed for the best.

The first thing Eric did when he came in was kiss me. "I missed you." "I missed you, too." I said. Then, he looked me over. "So, can you believe it?" I asked. "Believe what? Don't tell me your buying into this whole pregnancy crap." "No, Eric, it's true, I really am pregnant. You see that litttle dot. That's our baby." I pointed to the ultrasound screen.

"Stan and Wendy are playing a trick on you and the doctor is batshit crazy and has no idea what he's saying." Eric said. Why wouldn't he believe me? I didn't know what to say.

Eric sighsd, "Look, Kahl, I'm sorry, but I'm just saying that it's not possible and I don't want your heart being broken when you find out the truth. If you want a baby we can always adopt one." So he was open to the whole baby idea. That was a good sign.

The doctor came back into the room. "I actually have your discharge papers right here, but you should be coming back every two months for ultrasounds and check ups." I nodded as I began to sign the papers.

* * *

"Wow, this is amazing!" Dad said as he read through the doctor's report. "So, I really am going to have a grandchild?" Mom asked. "Yup." I said. "You're raising it Jewish right?" she asked. "Um." I glanced at Eric who seemed uninterested in this whole situation. The rule was if your mom was Jewish, you were Jewish, so I guess the answer would be yes. "Yeah, I think so." I said "And it's not an it, it's a baby." "Sorry, bubbeleh, that's what I meant." Mom said.

"Kahl, can I talk to you?" Eric asked. "Sure, it's late, we should probably go anyway." I said. "OK, call if you need anything!" Dad called on our way out. "What's up?" I said. "You're not pregnant." Eric said matter of factly. I knew I should of talked with him, but instead I just started to cry. I ended up sleeping on the couch that night.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

(one month later)

Even as my stomach began to grow, Eric still didn't believe my pregnancy. I knew for sure it was his baby because I was having cravings for Cheesy Poofs. I was getting thorugh at least a bag a day.

"Hey fat ass, save some for me." Eric siad when I threw another empty bag in the trash. "Fat ass," I laughed, "Look who's taking." "Aye! I'm big boned. You're just putting on weight for no reason." "I am not. I really am pregnant!" I cried. I sighed as Eric continued to shout that I was crazy.

This stress couldn't be good for the baby. We could both use some fresh air. "If you want we-I mean I can go to the store and get some more Cheesy Poofs." I said. I didn't wait for Eric's response, I got up and got ready to leave.

But before I could go, I suddenly felt a sharp kick in my stomach. I gasped and then smiled when I got over my shock. My baby _was _real. It kicked again and I felt like crying tears of joy.

"Kahl?" Eric looked a bit concerned. I took his hand and put it on my stomach. He jumped when he felt the next kick along with me. "It's our baby." I whispered. Eric wiped a tear from my eye, but said nothing.

I don't know how long we stood there feeling our baby's kicks every couple minutes. Was it normal for it to kick this much? Maybe it was just having a fit and wnated Daddy to finally it. Eventually, the kicking did die down and I had to quickly run to the sink to throw up.

When I came back, Eric was in the same spot I left in with the same shocked expression on his face. I wish I knew what was going through his head. '_Please be accepting. We need you.' _

I wrapped my arms around my "bigger" baby. "So do ya believe me now?" I asked playfully. Eric returned the hug and looked down at my stomach. "I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me? I promise, Kahl, our baby will have a father in its life. It might not be the best father, but he'll be there for both of you no matter what. I'll give the kid the loving daddy I never had."

His words shocked me. "T-thank you." I whispered and I began to tear up again. With Eric on my side again, nothing could go wrong. "I love you, Kahl...And I love you, too." he told me and my stomach. "We love you, too, Eric, so much." I kissed my husband and father of my child but the moment didn't last long because I had to throw up again.

**I know it was kinda short and very fluffy but you'll have to deal with it. Thanks for your support. Remember to R&R. Bye for now! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so much for every who R&R please continue doing that. It means the world to me!**

Chapter 5

Another month went by and Eric and I were at the doctor's for my checkup. We would be doing this every two months until my delivery date. "Your baby seems very healthy." The doctor gestured to a glump on the screen, "There it is. And if everything goes as planned you'll be giving birth in about seven months."

"Seven months." I echoed. In seven months I would become a mom. That was a lot to wrap my head around.

"Can you tell us if it's a boy or a girl?" Eric said. "Not yet, but I'm sure we'll be able to tell in a few more months." the doctor replied. "So much for picking baby names." I said. I had been considering this lately and was hoping that when we found out my baby's gender we would be able to pick out a perfect name.

Earlier in the week Eric had given me a list of possible boy names, but I made him sleep on the couch that night because with the exception of Mel (Mel Gibson) the names were all Nazis. He said it was a joke, but I didn't find it funny. Plus, since I was the mom the kid was being raised Jewish.

"I have a surprise for you." Eric said when we came home. "If it's a list of girl names I don't want it." I spat. He smirked. "Don't be silly, Kahl, this is a different surprise all together." I crossed my arms, "What is it?"

"Follow me." Eric dragged me into the guest room. I gasped. The bed in the corner was replaced with a crib. The walls were covered with cute duckie wallpaper (good for a baby boy or girl). Next to the crib, where a desk used to be was a book shelf filled with picture books and nursery rhymes. "That's not all." Eric opened the closet revealing packets of diapers, baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers, bottle, rattles, and stuffed animals.

"When did you have time to do this?" I cried. He shrugged, "I manage my time wisely. So do you like it?" "Like it? It's amazing and beautiful and perfect in every way...How much did it cost?" I really did love the room, but I didn't wnat us spending our life savings on it.

"You are such a Jew, Kahl. Don't worry about it. That's one of reason I did this by myself I didn't want you to be bitching me about the money. We can raise our baby Jewish,but there is no way in hell we're raising it to be cheap." I rolled my eyes. "I think our baby'll love it because I love it." I gave him a quick kiss. "Seriously, how much?" "That's for me to know, and you to find out...when taxes are due." Eric said and kissed me again before I could argue.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The day was finally here! Eric was squeezing my hand tightly while the doctor told me to keep on pushing. Then I heard the soft sound of a crying baby. I cried along with it.

"You wanna hold it, Kahl?" Eric said. "It's not an it, fat ass, it's our baby!" I wasn't even sure if it was a boy or a girl. I couldn't tell whether it was a pink or blue blanket from Eric's angle.

"Let me see my baby." I said. "OK." Eric turned around, but beore I could see what was in his arms, I woke up. "Damn it!" I cried. I still had seven more months.

And then something horrible hit me. What if something went wrong? What if I had a stillborn? I think I would die. I'd rather my baby be born with some kind of deformitiy than not be born at all. I looked down at my stomach that seemed to be growing every day. "I'll love you no matter what." I said and prayed that I would get to meet my precious child.

Then I noticed that the mattress was unusally empty beside me. "Eric?" I called. "I'm in the kitchen." he shouted back. Midnight snack? That sounded about right. I was gonna gain more weight anyway, so I might as well join him.

"And you actually expected me to believe that the cookie monster was making the cookies disappear every night." I laughed as I caught Eric redhanded with his hand literally in the cookie jar. "Good morning to you, too, sweetie." Eric said sarcastically, "I'd share, but you're diabetic and you're reaction to the chocolate chips might hurt the baby."

"Share? I can't believe that word even came out of your mouth Eric Cartman." I laughed. "Aye! If I was that selfish of a person I would've made you sign a pernup, but I'm actually surprised you didn't make me sign one with your Jewishiness." I sighed, "If you're gonna rip on my religon, I'm going back to bed."

"OK, I'm sorry. Want a glass of milk?" Eric poured me a glass. "So why are you up? Did I wake you or something?" he asked. "Nah, I was just having a freaky dream." I replied and took a sip. "Nightmares are bitches." I nodded.

"Eric, can I ask you something?" "Sure, Jew." "Will you still love our baby if it's deformed or retarded or something." He coughed up a cookie that he was chocking on. "Kahl, our baby's gonna turn out great. You shouldn't let stuff like that keep you up at night."

"You didn't answer the question. Will you still love our baby?" I said. "I guess I can't not love something that comes out of your hot body, so the answer would be yes." Eric said. "Well, that's a relief. I was scared that you might make us send it off to an orphanage or something." "I would never do that even if I didn't love the kid...But I will even if it ends up having your stupid Jew nose and ginger genes."

I folded my arms. Maybe I made the wrong choice of staying up. "I mean, hopefully our baby will look as incredibly hot as you do when it gets mad." Eric tried to remedy the situation. "You're only making it worse." I said. "Um...Hopefully our baby will have your gorgeous green eyes. Does that work?" Eric tried again. "Yeah, that works. You really think my eyes a gorgeous?" I asked. "No shit. They're like emeralds, so gorgeous I can't look away."

I blushed. "And they stand out more with your red cheeks, speaking of which, we should try to flatter our baby as much as possible so that when it blushes it'll be as cute as you." Eric said. "That makes no sense, dude." I laughed.

"Oh come on, Kahl I'm trying my best, you know I'm a hopeless romance." Eric said. I nodded, "But in the rare moments when you are romantic, I remember why I love you so much." I hugged him.

"Hey, if I wear a condom, can we still...you know?" Eric smirked. "I don't see why not." I laughed and followed him back into the bedroom.


	7. Chapter 7

**Heads up, this chapter is kinda short, sorry.**

Chapter 7

By my fourth month of pregnancy, my stomach was roughly as big as Eric's. It just didn't seem natural, but I told myself I would lose the weight and it would all be worth it when I get to hold my baby.

The doctor said that we were both healthy as horses and were in due in five months. The only downfall he could find was that my baby was prone to being born diabetic like myself, but that wasn't a drawback. My diabetes didn't hold me back, so I doubt it would be an issue for the kid. I laughed to myself with the thought that if Eric got any fatter, all three of us would be diabetic.

"I'm going to the store, you need anything?" Eric called. "Um, yeah, we're all out of Cheesy Poofs." My cravings for it have gotten a bit worse, but I don't mind. "Really? That's like the third time this week." I shrugged, "It's your fault I'm craving them. Something tells me our baby's gonna be an addict like you." He flipped me off on the way out.

"Let's hope your just far like your daddy and not an ass." I said. I think the baby was angry with my comment because it started kicking again and made me throw up a few times before Eric came back.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I was six months in and sick as a dog. Eric was at work and I was currently working at home rather in the lab because it was hard to get around.

Now, however, I had taken a break and was reading The Hobbit aloud to my baby. They say it's good to read and sing to your baby whne their in your stomach. "Bilbo was to be their burglar..." There was a sudden knock on the door. Was Eric home already? He must've locked his keys in the car again and that was why he was knocking.

"Coming!" I called and was surprised to see Kenny standing in the doorway. "Oh, hey, dude, what's up?" His eyes were on my stomach, "Um.." Right, he didn't know. "Listen, this is gonna sound a little fucked up, but-" "You're pregnant, I know." Kenny said flippantly. I was at a sudden loss,"You know? How?"

"Bebe. I was just cpming to see if it was true or just another stupid rumor." Kenny explained. "Shit, how'd Bebe find out?" "Wendy, and heads up I think Bebe told a couple of her x boyfriends and their current girlfriends and boyfriends and their friends and pretty much everyone else in this town, but don't worry, they all think it's a joke."

He looked me over, "Is it a joke?" I gestured to my stomach, "Does it look like a joke? I'm due in three months." And then I remembered that we weren't the only ones in the room, "This is your Uncle Kenny, by the way." Kenny laughed. "Yup, I'm the one who's gonna be having _the talk _with you when you're a little older." "A little?" I said.

"So, where's the real fat ass." Kenny asked. "Work. I'll tell him you stopped by." I said. "OK. See ya." "Bye."

That wasn't my only visit. Liane came over later. She wanted to spend more time with her grandchild, or children, but I assured her that I wasn't having twins.

"Do you mind if the baby's raised Jewish, because my mom will start another war if it's not." I decided to throw that question out there. "No, of course not. It's a beautiful religion, Kyle, don't let Eric bring you down because of it." Liane said. Huh, I wonder Eric learned his antisemitism from.

"But I didn't just come because of the baby." Liane said. "Why else did you come, then?" "Well, I was looking through Eric's old things, and I found this." She pulled an old, wrinkly piece of paper out of her purse. It was a drawing of two kids making out, one a skinny freckled boy with a green hat, the other a fat boy with a blue and yellow hat. There was date scribbled in the corner, Eric still had the same the handwriting, he had today.

"I thought he hated me when we were eight." I said. "So did I, but this drawing proves that he had feelings for you then...Don't tell him I showed you this." Liane said. I laughed.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The nine months had gone so much faster than I thought they would. The docotor said I was due in a week, if not sooner! He would have to slice open my stomach to get the baby, but I would be under pain medication, so it wouldn't hurt a bit.

"You seem unusually happy tonight, Ky." Eric noticed. I shrugged, "Why wouldn't I be happy? I'm gonna be a mommy in a week." He gently patted my stomach, "It's pretty hard to wrap your head around, isn't it?" I nodded, "One thing's for sure, though, I won't miss all this fat, I hope it comes off right away." Eric didn't take this offensively(I guess because he considered himself "big boned" rather than fat), but I was glad, one fat ass was more than enough.

"Screw the fat, I love seeing you like this." Eric kissed my cheek. "What do you mean?" I asked. "All happy and carefree, you should smile more often." He said. "Well, if you didn't get me pissed off so often, maybe I would." "Getting pissed off at me, is your choice. I have nothing to do with it." I folded my arms.

"See? I didn't do anything. It's your choice to get angry." Eric said. "You're ruining my good mood!" I said. "No I'm not you are!" "If I were you, I'd just stop talking."

"Screw you, Kahl!" Eric shouted. "You have been almost every night!" I shouted right back. "Not recently, we haven't!" "Ugh, don't remind me." At around five months in, we stopped screwing around at night because I didn't want to hurt the baby, plus my stomach hurt enough as it was, I didn't need an additional sore ass and dick.

"At least we can still do head and hand." Eric said. "It's really not the same." I sighed, "But it'll all be worth it, and we can still cuddle, too." I added this on purpose because I knew how much Eric hated to cuddle (especially after sex, he claimed it ruined his afterglow). But he wasn't too angry that I brought this up, he just shrugged, "It's better than nothing."

"You know I love you, Jew." I was surprised Eric said this right before he turned off the light. "I love you, too, fat ass." I said right before I fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I woke up in the middle of the night with a feeling I had been anticipating for a while now. "Shit!" I cried as I clutched my stomach. It was time.

Eric was up in a flash. "Can you move?" I shook my head. He swooped me into his arms. "Don't worry, I'm a cop, so I'm allowed to speed. We'll be in the hospital in no time."

"Exactly, there's no time!" I shouted, "AAA! It wants out. You have to do it, Eric! I don't think I can make it to the hospital." I then blacked out from the pain.

* * *

I woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by my close friends and family. "How do you feel, bubby?" Mom asked. "I've been better." I said.

"We're just glad you pulled through, we all thought you wouldn't make it." Stan said solemnly. "The baby, is it-"

Eric suddenly shoved past everyone and sat down on the bed beside me. The first thing I noticed was the blue bundle he was holding. "Six and a hlaf pounds and healthy as a horse. Wanna hold him?"

I nodded and took my baby from him. He had my eyes and what looked like the start of Eric's hair growing in. His perfect image was suddenly blurred by my tears. "So beautiful." I whispered. "I love you." I hold the little boy to my chest and never wanted to let go.

"So what are we gonna call the little guy?" Eric asked. I shrugged, "If it was up to me, I'd call him Angel, but he'd get the crap beaten out of him for having a girl's name even if he is an angel."

"I know that dumb Jew rule doesn't allow you to name him after someone who's still alive because I'd name him Kyle Jr. He gets his good looks from you." Eric said. "No. With me and my cousin in Connecticut we'd get confused as hell, but I agree with that rule being stupid...So, we can always make an exception and call him Theodore."

Eric's face lit up. "I've always been a fan of my middle name. Theodore it is. We'll call him Theo for short."

My mom didn't seem to have a problem with this. Nobody had said anything since Eric had shoved past them. They were just watching us awkwardly. Don't get me wrong, having my loved ones here was great, but just for a moment I wanted privacy with..._my family. _I smiled at the thought. I had a family.

Eric seemed to read my mind, "Guys, can we have some alone time, please?" Damn, I'd never heard him address a crowd so politely. And with that the others left.

The moment the last person left, Eric broke into tears. "You have no idea how scared I was. The thought of losing either one of you." I hushed him. "It's OK. We're fine. You got us here in time, and now we're a mommy and daddy."

He shook his head, "When you passed out, I knew that I didn't even have time to call an ambulence, so I-I took out my switchblade...and...I-" "You didn't!" I cried. Eric pulled up my shirt to reveal several stitches and scars. "A few if them won't ever heal, but the doctor said I was a hero and if I didn't cut you open and pull Theodore out...then..." Eric started to cry again.

I cried along with him, but tears of joy. I knew at that moment that we would do anything for each other and that would never change.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Theodore was now a month old and was turning out to be the greatest baby I could ever ask for. I had decided to quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom. I had made plenty of money over the years, and Eric still made quite a lot so we didn't have anything to worry about financially.

"Are you sure, you wanna quit your job? I know how much you love it." Eric said. I shrugged. It was true, you didn't find anyone who loved their job as much as I did. "But I love my family more."

The only downfall to having Baby Theordore was the sleep loss, but that was expected, and, unlike Eric, I didn't mind.

There was one main thing about having my baby that I was dreading with all my heart...

"I'm really scared...What if he chops too much?" I said nervously. "Relax, Jew. Your dick turned out fine." Eric said. "Yeah, but-" "You learned it was no big deal when your brother had one."

I held Theodore even tighter as the rabbi came in. Mom was pretty nonchalant with Ike's bris, I wondered if she was this nervous when it came to mine, me being her first born non adopted son, and all.

A random guy came in after the rabbi. "Hi, I never miss a bris, I brought dip." I instantly recognized him as the guy who had showed up at Ike's. "Are you even Jewish?" Eric asked. I rolled my eyes and let the man in. "The dip's kosher, by the way, so you don't have to worry." He said. "Thanks."

I put the dip down with food...Pretty fucked up that we're gonna be eating after watching the tip of a baby's dick being chopped up. There are some things in most religions that were pretty messed up, and I just had to accept that.

"They're ready for little Theo." Eric said. I nodded and handed my baby over...Oh God. Don't look, don't look, don't look, Kyle. Eric's strong arms were wrapped around me as Theordore and I cried.

I didn't stop until he was back on my lap, good as new. Eric said I looked more pale and shaky than he did. It really made me wonder how I survived my bris and lived to tell the tale.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Theordore was seven months old. He was now sleeping through the night, and was able to crawl and stand for a few moments if he was holding onto something (it was usually Eric's or my hand). We tried to get him to actually take steps, but it would lead to him just falling and crying, and I just hated it when he cried.

Overall, I loved being a mom and wouldn't give it up for the world. I'm sure Eric felt the same way about being a dad.

"Here comes the airplane." I said as I attempted to get the spoon into Theodore's mouth. He turned his head. "Come on, baby, open up." I sighed, "Well, at least drink your milk." I gave him his bottle, which he wasn't the least bit reluctant to suck down.

"Alright, I have to burp you." I gently patted Theodore's back and he burped a few times, but after the third burp he looked up at me and said, barely above a whisper, "Momma." I almost dropped him. "Theodore, did you just say my name?" His first word! Eric was gonna be pissed that he missed it.

As if on cue, my husband unlocked the door. "I'm home bitches!" "How many times do I have to tell you to watch your potty mouth in front of the baby!" I shouted. "The minute he starts talking, I'll do that." Eric replied smugly. "He started talking a minute ago." I said.

"Yeah, right." He said skeptically, "Anyways, I'm starving, mind if I order a pizza because I know you can't cook." I couldn't believe he was blowing our son's first word off. "Of course,but he really did say Momma right before you walked in." "And I headed over to your old lab and split the atom. You want pepperoni?" Eric said. Damn it he could be such an ass sometimes!

I sighed. Theodore always cried when we fought, so I didn't raise my voice. "You wanna help me feed him?" I asked. "Sure." Eric took Theodore into his arms, and instantly got him to eat without doing any of the airplane crap. Lucky bastard.

"So, you never answered me, you want pepperoni?" Eric said. "P-ppewoni." Theodore echoed. Typical, that he said pepperoni instead of Dada. I couldn't help laughing at this and Eric's shocked expression. I smiled, and patted Theodore's head, "That's my son."


	13. Chapter 13

**I'd like to make a shout-out to Southparkfreak101 and silverfox.611 for all their support. Thank you everyone, and please remember to R&R. I hope you like this next chapter. **

Chapter 13

I gently tapped Theodore awake, who yawned softly. "Do you know what today is, sweetie?" I asked. "Birfday." he said. "That's right, it's your first birthday." I carried him out of his crib and into the kitchen.

Eric was already there, preparing breakfast. "There's the birthday boy!" He took Theodore from me and spun him around in the air. "Such a big boy, bet you' turning twenty-one, not one." "You can think that, but if you give him any alchol l'll kill you." I said. "Awe, come on, Kahl, can't you take a joke, look he's laughing."

Theodore was still giggling when we set him down in his height chair. "We have something for you, baby." I reached into the cabinet where we were hiding two packages. "This one is from me, and that one is from Daddy, but they kinda go together."

He looked at them blankly. "What do I do wif whem?" Eric chuckled, "You rip them open and see what's inside." We watched Theodore carefully unwrap my present. "YAY! Batman and Wobin!" He began to play with the action figures.

I cleared my throat, "What do you say?" He gave me a puzzled look. "Th..." I started him off. "Oh yeah, fank you, Mommy." I smiled, "You're welcome." I gave Theodore a kiss on his cheek."

"You still have to open my present." Eric said. Theodore went for the other package and was just as excited when he saw what was inside. "Wow! Now they have a BatMobiwe!" He didn't need to be told twice by me. "Fank you, Daddy." "You're welcome."

While Theodore played with his new toys, Eric and I got ready for the party. We were just having a small get-together because it was pointless to spend hundreds of dollars for some pedophile in a Barney suit because Theodore wouldn't remember.

Pretty soon some guests started to arrive. "Hi Uncwe Stan! Hi Aunt Wendy! Wook what I got fwom Mommy and Daddy!" Theodore showed off his Batman, Robin, and BatMobile to Stan. "Wow, that's really cool. Batman's awesome!" Stan examined the toys.

"Can't they be a choking hazard. Look, it says right here on the box, do not give to children under two." Wendy pointed out. "Our boy's smart as shi-I mean sunshine. Those are just guidelines. He won't choke." Eric said. "He's right about him being smart, I've never seen a one year old talk as much as him." Stan said.

"Well, when Eric's at work, I've been teaching him. Check this out. Hey, Theo, why don't you sing the alphabet song for us?" I said. Stan and Wendy gasped as Theodore sang all the way up to M then he said he forgot the rest. "Well, it's a work in progress, but I think he'll be the smartest kid in class when it's time for school." I said.

"Anyway, Theo, this is from us." Wendy handed him a package. "Yay, anofer pwesent!" Theodore cried and opened it. "Oooh, a teddy! I wove him. Fank you, Aunt Wendy, fank you Uncle Stan." "Awwe, you're welcome, dude, can I have a hug?" Stan gave Theodore a hug while Wendy explained they got it because of Teddy Roosevelt and Theodore had his name. "But Theo wasn't named after him, he was named after me!" Eric said. "Guys, not now." I stepped between them.

"Kyle, your parents are here!" Stan called. "Cool." I let them in. Theodore wasn't as excited with their gift of new pajamas and a pacifier in the shape of the star of David, but he thanked them anyway. Mom also commented on how smart he was, said he was a true Brovfloski, which Eric took personally. Suddenly that fight with Wendy didn't seem to bad.

"Oh look, Liane's here." I let Mrs. Cartman in and hoped this would distract Eric and my mom from getting into a fight. She had gotten Theodore new booties, which again, he wasn't too trilled about but thanked her for it. She also brought her famous triple chocolate moose cake for later. Eric had baked special sugar free cookies for me and Theodore (who had unfortunately inherited my diabetes) earlier so we wouldn't feel left out. He really didn't have to.

Next came Kenny and Butters, apparently the two had hooked up and I was happy for them. They got Theodore an Elmo puppet which he really seemed to like. Butters didn't like the fact that I was teaching Theodore before he went to school because it was giving the other kids an unfair disadvantage. What a load of bullcrap! I told him I was just reinforcing what he learned on Sesame Street and he seemed to lighten up.

Last, Ike and his girlfriend, Kathy showed. They brought Ike one of those Lego build your own Star Wars shits. He was very excited about building this. Of course Wendy went berserk with the whole, "choke hazard" issue from earlier.

"Shut the fuck up, Wendy." Eric said. I was too late to cover Theodore's ears. "What does fat mean, Daddy?" "Shit-I mean, nothing. Nothing." Stan face palmed. Damn it, Eric, why couldn't you be like me and curse in your god damn fucking head. That way no one will hear you.

**I actually had a Barney party for my 1st birthday. My parents say they spent a shitload of money, and I can't even remember it. LOL. Hope you liked it!**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

(a year and a half later)

We had a tree and Eric insisted on having mistletoes all around the house, so he could kiss me whenever he felt like it, but other than that we kept the house strictly kosher.

I turned a blind eye to Theodore watching Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer because there were no Hanukah specials. Hell, except for the dreidel song and that stupid thing Adam Sandler wrote, there weren't any Hanukah songs.

"Mommy, why don't we celebwate Cwistmas?" Theodore asked. "Because we're Jewish, honey...or at least try to be." I glanced at the tree. It was beautiful and all, but if my mom saw it, we would go back to nonspeaking terms. I sighed.

"I'm home, bitches!" Eric walked through the door. He was home super early because tonight was Christams eve, he only had a two hour shift, but that was no excuse to curse in front of Theodore. I shouted, "I swear, if you don't do something about your language, I'm gonna-" "Misletoe." His lips were on mine and I couldn't resist kissing back. "You were saying, Kahl?" He didn't give me a chance to respond. "That's what I thought."

"So, what's new with you, kiddo?" Eric gave Theodore a highfive and kissed his cheek. "How 'bout we go out and do something Christmassy?"

I rolled my eyes. Wasn't eight presents enough? Plus we had a goddamn tree. We could even bake kosher gingerbread cookies, if we wanted to. Why did we have to go all the way? Did Eric really want my mom to start another fucking war over something as stupid as this.

It wasn't like I didn't want to celebrate Christmas for once in my life, actually, I just wanted one year where I didn't feel...Christmas after Christmas of feeling rejected and alone flashed through my head. Holy crap, this isn't about my mom anymore.

"Aw you OK, Mommy?" Theodore asked. I noticed that he and Eric looked rather concerned. "I think I'm having an epiphany." I answered honestly. "Is that where you're on your period or something?" Eric asked. "Not funny, dude!"

"Well, we're gonna go out and catch Christmas snowflakes and stuff, is it OK, if we leave you here alone?" I shook my head and tried desperately not to cry.

"Um...Theo, go play, we'll go out in a minute,but Mommy and I need to talk about grownup stuff." Eric said. Theodore ran off to his lego set.

"What's your deal, Kahl?" "I just want to..." What? What did I want? I knew what I wanted, but did I really want to tell Eric? I refused to meet his eyes as I felt mine become wet. "Come on, baby, you can tell me anything, you know that." His voice became soft as he lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him, "Now tell me what happened."

"I want Christmas." I stammered. Eric looked skeptic and I could tell he was holding back laughter. "You're seriously?" He asked. I nodded. "OK, I don't blame you it's one of the best holidays ever. If you want Christmas, then I guess we'll have the most kick-ass Christmas ever, it'll be so awesome that it'll knock your Jewish socks off."

"That's it? No, 'But you're a stupid Jew', or 'If you want Christmas you should convert'?" I said. Eric shrugged, "Believe me, I want nothing more than you to convert, but I also want you to be happy...And more importantly, I want you to stay alive, and you're mom's suc ha bitch she'll fucking kill you if you ever even mention the idea of converting."

That made me smile. "Goddamn it, Eric!" I shouted. "I know, I know, don't call you mom a-" I kissed him. "I love you, you know that." I said. "Love you, too." He replied and kissed me back.

Then we both remembered, we weren't entirely alone. "Theodore, come on, let's go!" Eric called.

* * *

After catching a couple Christmas snowflakes on our tongues, we went for a long drive to nowhere in particular. Nothing was open and there was nobody out. Eric suddenly put the car in park. "Can you watch the baby for a moment?" He quickly gestured to the only open store at the end of the street, I couldn't make out the name of it, but got the idea.

"I am not a baby! I'm gonna be fwee soon!" Theodore shouted from his carseat. "I'm not talking about you. I was talking about...Huh, I thought I saw a baby in that seat next to you, guess I was wrong. Guess, you'll just have to watch our little man, you OK with that, Ky?" Eric said. I nodded as Theo giggled.

"Wow, you're gonna be three soon." I said. "Yeah, isn't it gweat?" Theodore said. It was, but it really made me realize how fast time went by. It seemed like only yesterday he was born. "Pretty soon, you'll be starting school, you're getting to be such a big boy." I said. And then from there off to college, and then he'll get married and have children of his own and...I sighed and patted my son's head.

"Howdy ho, boys!" I knew the voice all too well, but could it really be him? Sure enough Mr. Hankey popped out of Theodore's diaper. "Dude, where have you been?" I hadn't seen him since my bar mitzvah! It crushed me that Christmas, waiting for him, only to be let down.

"Well, the family forced me to retire and move down to Florida right around the time you became a man, mazel-tav by the way, and you know in Florida I can't ever come out of the sewers because even during Christmas it's hot and I'd get trampled by all the old people and snowbirds, so I was trapped, until recently, a nice crow decided to give me a lift back to South Park." Mr. Hankey explained.

"I missed you so much." I said. "I missed you, too. And look at you, you're all grown up, with an adorable son and everything."

"I'm back!" Eric came back into the car carrying a package. "Howdy, ho, Eric, hope you remember me." "'Course I do, Mr. Hankey. Long time no see." Mr. Hankey put two and two together, "I always knew you two would end up together you couldn't live without each other, what with the smug storm and the Jewpacabra."

"That was you?" We said at the same time. "Well, looks like I'm not the only one who needs to catch up on things, I'd better head back to Florida, the wife's gonna kill me, great to see you, merry Christmas."

* * *

At around seven AM, Theodore came running into our room. "Mommy, Daddy, Santa left pwesents!" "Go ahead and open them, we're gonna sleep a little more." Eric said. "Presents?" I said, "I thought you only got one."

A few minutes, later Theo came back with a small box, "Fis one has youw name on it, Mommy." "Thank you, sweetie." Even though I knew it was Eric's handwriting, it was still nice to receive something from Santa for once.

I opened the package to reveal a locket with the star of David on it. "Open it." Eric said. Inside was a picture of the three of us...my family. "I'll always wear this close to my heart." I said as I put it on. It was by far the best gift I had ever gotten.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Today was Theo's first day of school, and I was excited for him, but nervous at the same time. Eric and I knew that kids would eventually rip on him for his parents being gay, so we prepared him for it. If a kid were to say, "You have two dads." Theo would say, "Yeah, so, two loving parents is better than being an orphan and if you're homophobic, you can suck my balls bitch." You can guess that I came up with the first line and Eric the second.

But I'm sure he we be fine. He knew how to read and write small words and add and subtract small numbers. While I told Theo to show off his knowledge, Eric told him to keep his mouth shut unless the teacher called on him because no one liked a teacher's pet.

"_You _liked a teacher's pet!" I said. "Not until college when it OK to be a teacher's pet." Eric said. "Oh really?" I said skeptically and pulled out the old picture his mom gave me. His cheeks turned red.

"Alright, I'm late for work, and you should probably get Theo to school. See you, soon, love you!" Eric said and was out the door in a flash. I chuckled.

On the carride to school, Theo asked, "Did you meet all of your friends at school?" "Yup, each and every one of them." "Do you think I'll make friends?" he asked. What a silly question. "I don't think so, I know so. How can you not make friends, you're so loveable." I assured him.

"So you met Daddy at school?" Theo asked. I nodded. "Tell me 'bout that." What was there to say? I hated him more than anything in the world, but somehow, he ended up the one.

Which reminded me, "Sweetie, even if someone is really mean to you it doesn't give you the right to be really mean back. You may end up not being able to live without them some day." "OK, Mommy."

When I dropped Theo off, he ran to a boy playing with legos and asked to join him. "Sure, my name's Mike." "I'm Theo." I smiled. The boy would do great, he was off to a great start!

"Should I come back at around two to pick him up?" I asked the teacher. "Yeah, two is when class is over. Now don't you worry about a thing, the little fella's seemed to already make a new best friend. He'll be fine." she assured me.

"OK, just make sure he doesn't have any sugar because he's diabetic." I reminded her. "Alright, that's fine. We usually have those peanut M&Ms for snack, but there's carrot sticks for the kids with peanut allergy, so he can eat those." "Bye, Theo, have fun!" I called on my way out.

After doing a little laundry, I found myself flipping through the channels aimlessly. The house sure seemed quiet and lonely now that Theo was gone.

A hand suddenly grabbed the remote from me and flipped to a channel that should have been blocked. "Gross, dude, turn it off!" I shouted. Eric laughed, and turned the TV off, "Doesn't that turn you on a little bit?" "No...Maybe...Shouldn't it be blocked, anyway?"

"Well with the kid gone we can eat other things besides food on my lunch break." Eric said. "Now?" I asked. "If you want to and it has been a while since we went there."

* * *

"I should get back to work." Eric said as he wiped a combination of cum, peanut-butter, and jelly from his mouth. The phone rang before I could reply. "I'll get it." I picked it up, "Cartman residence." Eric rolled his eyes at my formality.

"Theodore was involved in a fight at school today, you should come as soon as possible." The teacher stated. "Ok, I'll be right there."

"What happened?" Eric asked. "Theo got in a fight." "Huh, I wonder if it was the whole suck your balls thing." "This isn't funny!" I shouted. "Wait, Kahl, I'll come with you."

* * *

Theodore and that boy he was playing legos with were in the principal's office looking terrified. There was another boy sitting on the opposite side of the room with a poker face. They had bad bruises, and I felt like crying when I saw my baby's black eye. A man and a woman, I assumed one of the other boy's parents were already there.

"What happened?" I asked. "Tyler beat me up and Mike tried to help me, but he hurt him, too." Theo cried.

A man came in after us. "What'd y'all do this time, Tyler?" He asked with a thick southern accent. "Noth'in, Pa, that li'l son of a bitch had it com'in, his daddies are noth'in but two faggots and the other one got in the way." "'K, can I go now?"

Eric was about to say something insulting, but the other boy's mom beat him to it, "Aren't you going to disipline your son for saying something that horrible? He shouldn't be going around picking on kids just because they're different. I for one am proud of my Mikey for standing up for what's right." "Thank you." I said. Goddamn it, why wasn't my mom like this lady. Unfortunately, the man and Tyler had snuck out in the middle of her speech.

"Mom, Dad, can Theo come over for dinner?" Mike asked. "I don't see why not? Is it OK, with you guys, we'll have him home before eight." His Dad siad. "Of course." Eric said.

* * *

When Theo came back, he had nothing but good stories to tell us about his new super best friend, Mike. It almost made me forget about that asshole and his dad.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Theo was now seven going on eight and in the second grade. His favorite things to do were eat pizza, ride his bike, and hang out with his super best friend, Mike, and a quiet boy named Dennis who just followed them around. And he also had a kick ass rock collection.

The teachers said he was very bright, but also loved to instigate trouble by constantly making inappropriate comments. But fuck that, the boy got a one-hundred on every test. Who gave a shit, if he had Eric's trouble making genes, he had my smart ass genes and that's all that mattered in the end.

"Hey, sweetie, how was school?" I said when he came home one afternoon. "Mommy, look, what happened during lunch!" Theo smiled and slid his tongue through the small gap between his teeth. "I have the tooth, right here in my pocket, and Dennis says that if I put it under my pillow the Tooth Fairy will come and give me a coin!" He looked even cuter than normal with the gap.

"I'm sure she will, but you know the rule, you can't stay up waiting for her, she only comes when you're asleep because-" "Growing children need their sleep, I know, you say that every day." Theo informed me.

"Anyways, the coolest thing is happening to Mike's mommy, he says that a few nights ago, his daddy gave something to her, and now her tummy's gonna blow up like a balloon and when it pops, a baby will come out. Isn't that so cool! Do you have any idea what he gave her?"

Oh God, Kenny was right, pretty soon, he would need that talk, the stork story wasn't gonna cut it for long. But I could fabricate for now. "I think that he gave her his wish magic that he claimed on a shooting star that happened to pass by."

"Yeah, that's sounds a lot better than what Dennis said. He said the he gave her an organism."

I laughed, remembering when the first grade teacher called on Kenny to read from the science text book and he purposely read the word organism as orgasm. I later looked both words up...and...well...Let's just say my parents gave me the talk ten years too late.

"What's so funny, Mommy?" Theo asked. "Nothing, nothing, just put the tooth under your pillow and see what happens tonight." "OK."

When he went to his room to do so, I called Kenny. "Hey, Kahl, my sexy assed little Jew, does mah accent turn you on?" "Not funny, dude!" I said, "Anyway, do you think Theo is old enough for the talk?" I had to give Ken a few minutes to recover from his laughter to reply, "I'd give it about a year or two. Don't worry I got your back." "OK, thanks."

"Now how 'bout I tap the kosher thing over the phone right now?" "Are you drunk or something?" "Nah, just a little high. So what do you say, Kahl?" I hung up. What an asshole!...Well, my real lover actually acted like that, but still!


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

(Eric's POV)

Today was bring your child to work day, so Theo was coming with me to the station. "You excited?" I asked. "Yeah. Being a policeman is my third job choice." He replied. When I was eight, I wanted to be something else every other week, cowboy, pirate, detective, ruthless dictator...Good times.

"What's your first two choices?" I asked. "Rock scientist and accountant." I felt like Theo just slapped me on the face with that comment. "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know which one is boringer!"

"More boring, and Mom says you shouldn't use that word around me." Theo pointed out. Was I talking to Kyle? "Well, your mom tells me a lot of things and I never listen to none of them. But seriously, you can't be seriously." I shouted.

"You really need to work on your grammar, Dad." Theo replied. Then he looked out the window, "Are we there yet?" That was the second time he corrected me. This was getting on my nerves.

I made a sudden and illegal left turn to turn the car around (I'm a cop, I can do shit like that, but normal people, like you can't). "I changed my mind, we're not going to work today." I said.

"But I have to go back to school and talk about what I learned, otherwise there's no point." Theo said. "Son of a bitch! Why the hell did you have to get those stupid nerd genes. You're _my _son, too you know. And you're gonna learn. You're gonna learn how to have fun." I said.

Theo's face lit up. "Can I lie about what I learned while we secretly go to Disney World? Nobody will know, not even Mom. Please, Daddy, I've always wanted to go to Disney." "Now that's more like it. We can't go to Disney, but we can go to the next best place." I said.

"Where? Is it a museum, please tell me it's a museum." Theo started shaking he was so excited. "Goddamn it, you're worse than Kahl. And if I told you where we're going, I'd ruin the surprise."

"Am I allowed to guess?" He asked. "Yeah, sure, knock yourself out. I don't think you'll get it, though." I said. Theo scratched his head. "Hmmm...An arcade?" "Better." "An icecream parlor?" Theo tried again. "You're diabetic." I reminded him. "Yeah, but they have that sugar free crap." "In what world is that better than an arcade?" "You're right...Um...the movies?" I could tell Theo was running out of guesses.

I shook my head and kept driving a little past Denver. "Wow, we're going far!" Theo. noted. "It's worth every mile." I assured him.

Finally we arrived. "OhmyGod, Casa Bonita!" Theo ran out of the car and inside. I laughed. Pretty familiar reaction.

I was about to go inside when a man stopped me. "Are't you banned from here, sir?" Oh shit! I was eight years old for crying out loud! How on Earth could this douche remember. "No, I don't know what you're talking about." I said casually and walked right by him.

"Wow, look at those cliff divers go!" Theo said. "Why don't you give it a try?" I suggested. "I don't know, aren't those guys professional?" "Nah, I did it when I was your age, and I turned out fine." Except for the fact that I ended up in juvy after, but that had nothing to do with it.

"Can you go with me?" Theo asked. "Of course, come on." I took his hand and led him to the cliff. "Ready?" I asked. He nodded and we jumped into the water and laughed all the wat down. "That was really fun, can we do it again?" Theo said. "Yeah."

After cliff diving a couple times, we sat down to eat some tacos and listen to the Mexican music. "Wow, this place is really great." Theo said. "Yeah, it is isn't it. You know, out of all the craziest and stupidest things I regret doing as a kid, I don't regret-" I stopped myself when I saw the man who had stopped me earlier walk by. "Never mind."

"You did crazy and stupid things? But you're a policeman. Policemen don't do crazy and stupid things." Theo said. I laughed. If only he knew. But I wasn't gonna tell him because I would have to arrest him and Kyle would murder me.

We killed a few hours at Casa Bonita before heading home with fake mustaches and sombreros. "That was so much fun. I don't think I've ever had that much fun in a long time!" Theo said. "I'm glad. You deserve to have fun. You're the best son in the world. I just wish I was a better dad." I said. "What are you talking about? You're a great dad. I love you."

Another reason why he was the best son in the world. He would lie on my behalf."I love you, too, kiddo."

* * *

"You took Theo to Casa Bonita didn't you?" Kyle said. "What gave it away?" I asked. We had taken off the hats and mustaches when we went in. "He was talking to me in fleunt Spanish." Damn, our kid was fucking smart. How'd he learn Spanish so quickly?

"So what if I took him to Casa Bonita? He deserves to have fun. He's nerdier than you. Thought a meseum was just as exciting as Disney World and said that he wanted to be a rock scientist or an accountant and the worst part was that he kept correctimg my grammar throughout the day." I said.

Kyle laughed. "That's my boy." I cleared my throat. "Sorry, _our _boy." I said and kissed his cheek.

"But you blame all his nerd genes on my side of the family. You know I suck with languages it took me seven years to learn French, and you learned German overnight, and now Theo learned Spanish overnight." Kyle said. We both laughed. But in the end we both knew who Theo's nerd genes really came from.

"You know as smart as he is, I love him all the more for it." I said, "Same goes for you, baby, now how 'bout we take advantage of Theo being asleep and have little fun ourselves." I said with a wink.


	18. Chapter 18

**I'd like to make a shout-out to thatblondegurlwiththepoppers for giving me the idea for the last chapter. **

Chapter 18

(Theo's POV)

Mike and I were riding our bikes through the park, when I noticed the coolest rock ever just lying on the ground, practically begging me to pick it up. It would be great for my collection. I stopped, looked it over and pocketed it.

"What's with you and rocks, dude?" Mike asked. "I don't know, I just think they're really neat and none of them are alike and nothing to compare to-Oh my God that girl is hot!"

She had curly dark hair, baby blue eyes, and dimples. I had never seen her around before. "Come on, let's go say hi to her." I said and rode towards her.

"Hi, my name's-" Dennis hoppped out of nowhere and cut me off. "Hey, Theo, Mike, I see you met Melanie." He put his arm around her. Goddamn it! I saw her first! She flashed us a smile...Ew braces.

"You can keep her," I told Dennis, come on, Mike, let's go look for more rocks and stuff." Mike and I were about to turn around when Melanie said, "I like collecting shells...Is that any similar to rocks?" "No way, not even close. Come on, Mike." I said.

"Wait up!" Melanie ran after us. We didn't stop, but she kept chasing us, like a maniac. Considering the fact that we were on bikes, she was pretty fast for a girl. "We should see what she wants." Mike said. I nodded and we stopped.

"You dropped this." Melanie handed me my rock. It must've falled out of my pocket. "Theo, right?" I nodded and took the rock back. "Thanks." "It's actually pretty cool, but my shell collection is better." She said. "No way!" I said. "Yes way!"

This was stupid. If we were gonna get into an arguement, we needed to back our claims with proof. "Well, then let's compare. I'll show you my rock collection and you show me your shell colletion, and Mike here, who's completely impartial will decided whose is better."

"My shell collection burnt down with my house in Florida." Melanie said with a sniffle, "I have to go." She ran off crying.

"Dude, you made her cry, not cool." Mike said. Now I felt bad. How was I supposed to know her house burnt down?

"Melanie, wait! I'm sorry!" I called after her. "Go away!" She cried. "Look, I'm sorry. OK, and if it makes you feel any better, you can come over my house and see my rock collection." I offered. "Really?" "Yeah, come on."

* * *

"I think I like this one the best." Melanie pointed to the leftmost rock. "Oh, I like the middle one the best." I said. "You were right, Theo, this is _almost _as good as my shell collection."

I went silent for a moment before deciding to go with a clichè, "I'm sorry about that, by the way." "It's OK, it wasn't your fault. It's just good to know I have one friend here." Melanie replied. "What about Dennis?" I asked. "Oh, he's my cousin, so he's forced to be nice to me...Well, now he's like my brother since his parents took me in."

I didn't wnat to hit another nerve so I changed the subject, "So, you lived in Florida ahve you ever been to Disney?" "Yes! All the time. It really is the happiest place on Earth. And I know everyone gets excited about the rollercoasters, but I liked to see the-" "President's Hall of Fame?" We said in unison. "Yes, how did you know?" She asked. "Because it seems like the thing I'd enjoy most at Disney." I replied.

"Shoot, it's late. I'd better go. Thanks for having me, Theo, you're really cool!" Melanie said and she kissed my cheek before she left.


	19. Chapter 19

**This chapter's gonna be a little less fluffy and little more humorous **

Chapter 19

"I think we might need that talk, Ken. Theo has a girlfriend, they kiss and hold hands and everything, it's kinda cute actually." I said. "How old is he now, nine?" Kenny asked. "Yeah...Grew up so fast, didn't he?" "Don't go all gay on me, Ky, he's not going to college yet."

"Whatever, just get over here and give him the talk." I said. "All right, I'll be there in five, Butters'll come with me." Kenny replied.

So the next thing I know, Eric, Theo, Butters, Kenny, and I are sitting in the living room, sipping tea, and preparing to have the awkwardest conversation in the world.

"So, Theo, you really like this Melody girl?" Ken asked. "Melanie," Theo correct him, "and yeah, she's great! She's the only girl in school who doesn't have cooties, plus she's really pretty, if you get past her braces."

"Do you have feelings for her?" Kenny asked. Theo's face turned bright red. "Listen, it's perfectly fine for your little weewee to-" "Dude!" I couldn't stop the cry from my lips. Maybe it was too early to have this conversation.

I stood up and said, "I changed my mind. This can wait until after his bar mitzvah." Eric spit out his tea, "Bar what?" Shit, I just opened up a whole new can of worms, didn't I. "Yeah, we've been over this. Theo is gonna start Hebrew school in a few months ago and then-" "HEBREW SCHOOL?!"

"Um, we should probably go. Nice seeing ya guys!" Butters said. "Yeah, call us if you change your mind again." Kenny said and dragged him out. Theo said a quick goodbye and ran upstairs claiming to have homework, but I knew my son well, there was no way he would save homework for Sunday night, smart boy knew the right time to leave the room.

I looked up at Eric, but was shocked to see that he had a smirk on his face. I opened my mouth to say something, but he quickly captured my lips and pushed my back onto the couch.

I pushed him off of me when I saw a head pop out from the stairway. "I thought you said you had homework?" I said. "Sorry." Theo said and went back to his room.

I turned back to my husband, "So, what's your deal, why aren't you pissed off?" "Oh, that was just an act to get them out faster. No one except me should ever make you feel that uncomfortable, Kahl." Eric replied. I laughed. "So, you're cool with holding off the talk until after his bar mitzvah and more importantly you're cool with him having a bar mitzvah?"

"We agreed to raise him Jewish a long time ago, so I guess I'm cool with it," Eric said, "and as for the talk, we might not even have to have one. When our parents had the talk with us we already knew all of it thanks to Chef and all the weird shit that goes on in this town, remember? Theo's a really smart boy he can figure out stuff on his own." I nodded.

"And if not we can always enroll him in sex ed when he's in high school." Eric added. "Well, if he doesn't know about it by then we might as well have the talk because that'd pretty desperate." I said. "Aye! Don't mock the only A I got in my freshman year." Eric shouted. I laughed until I realized he was being serious.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"Now before we go we should go over the rules." I said as I rubbed sunscreen on Theo's nose. "Don't talk to strangers and don't swim in yellow water." He said. "Good. Now come on, Dad's waiting in the car."

Eric looked me over and frowned, "No bathing suit?" "Are you kidding me. After what happened last time, you'd have to be mad to expect me to get back into the water." I replied as I hopped into the passenger seat.

"Wait a minute, is that a calculator?...And paper and pen?" I laughed as I saw the contents in Eric's bag. "Damn right it is and if you're not swimming, you'd better be helping me with my math." "Goddamn it, Eric, you're not gonna start making ratios of the minorities to white people again, are you, you racist piece of sh-"

"Oh boy, we're here!" Theo cried as he jumped out of the car. "Wait for us!" I called after him.

The minute we got through the gates of the water park Eric shouted, "Goddamn it, there's even more than last time!" I kicked him. "Ow! What the hell was that for, Jew?" "You're being an idiot. Now come on, we have to watch Theo." I said. "You're right. If we're not careful, they'll illegally sell him to Mexico." Eric realized. I rolled my eyes.

I had no problem with the rides as long as I ducked down to avoid the splashing water. It was the wave pools that scared me. It was just pee, pee, and more pee, I was sure of it. So I made sure to steer us out of that direction and towards the log flume.

"Fifty minutes, are you fucking kidding me?" Eric cried as we got into the line. I shrugged, "We're just gonna have to wait." "Oooh, I know a great game to pass the time!" Theo said.

Eric took out his phone, "I'll bet it's Angry Birds." "I told you not to bring your phone, it'll just get wet and break." I said. He ignored me and pulled up the game.

"No, it's not Angry Birds, it's-" Eric cut Theo off, "Cut the Rope?" "No, it's not an app. I play it a lot in science class and a little with Melanie. It's called Name that Rock." Theo said. Dude, Eric was right, our son was a nerd, I realized, as he started naming different rock properties.

"Um..I'm going with igneous?" I randomly took a guess. Theo shook his head. "Hey, check it out, three stars!" Eric showed us his final score in the Angry Birds Star Wars level he had just beat. "I bet I can beat that score." Theo said. "You're on!" Eric said and handed him the phone.

Theo explained that if you looked at the game from a mathematical viewpoint, the game could easily be beaten if you launched the birds at the correct angle. "He's right you know." I said, "All you need a mini protractor and you can beat all the level packs in about ten minutes."

"Goddamn it, I can't believe the two loves of my life are such geeks! You're totally taking the fun out of it." Eric said.

"Hey, look, the line's over." Theo said. "You wanna ride in front?" I asked. "Yeah!" We hopped into the boat and put our seat belts on.

'_Please keep all limbs in the boat and all balls in a ball-sack at all times. Thank you.' 'Por favor, mantenga todos los miembros en el barco y todas las bolas en un saco de bolas en todo momento. Gracias.' _

"Godamn it!" Eric shouted. "You've been overusing that expression, today, Dad. I counted a total of ten times and it's not even noon." Theo said.

The ride was actually really fun until we reached the last drop. I wasn't able to duck down fast enough, and the pee infested water got all over my face and worst of all in my mouth because I was screaming so loud.

Eric was laughing really hard, "You screamed like a fucking girl, Kahl." "Would you like to purchase your photo?" A woman held up the picture of Theo, looking like he was having the time of his life, me, terrified as hell, and Eric with his middle finger out. "Yeah, what the hell, we'll take it." I said and later regretted paying fifteen bucks for it, but as Eric would say Jews will be Jews.

As we sat down to order our lunch Theo said that he wanted to see the shark tank next. "How about you go see it, while we order your lunch. Come back in ten minutes." Eric said. He handed five dollars so he could get into the exhibit. "Thanks, Dad." Theo said and ran off.

"DUDE! He'll get lost, or worse, kidnapped by a pedophile and-" I couldn't handle finishing the sentence and went after my son.

"Theo?" I called after him. He was already at the shark tank by the time I caught up to him. "Wow that's so cool." Theo said. "Yeah, that hammerhead is a beauty, and you're in luck, kid because you came just in time to see us feed it." The man who worked there said.

"Oooh." The people in front of me blocked my view as they shoved their way closer to the tank. "Now, unlike Jaws, this shark just eats little minos and plankton, nothing to be afraid of." The man said. I wasn't able to see what was going on, but from the people's reactions I could tell it was pretty cool.

About a dozen more people shoved past me to see what was going on. "Hold it!" The man shouted, "We're a little bit over maximum capacity, so-" No one listened, more people came flooding in, pushing and flooding.

And then I heard it, a scream. Theo's scream. Then of course the hundreds of others. Time seemed to freeze at that moment. But then I remembered where I was. I shoved past everyone screaming, "Fuck you!" To whoever objected.

Then I made it to the front, where I saw my son struggling to get out of the shark tank. "Oh God! Do something!" I cried at the man. "I can't do anything until my manager gets here."

"Then I'll do something!" I shouted and bent over the side of tank, making sure not to fall in myself. "Theo, grab hold of my hands." I called. He did and I managed to yank him up and over the tank, safe in my arms.

We both screamed as the shark flopped out of the water, towards us, and opened it's huge mouth wide. I closed my eyes and waited for death, but instead I heard a loud crack, as its teeth broke my locket, nearly missing my neck, and pulled it back into the water with him.

* * *

"I'm telling you, we're fine." I assured the paramedic, "Just a little shaken." "Are you sure?" He asked. "Positive." I said.

"We're not letting civilians through at this time, sir." the man said. "Does this badge say civilian to you, bitch? I'm a policeman and you should repsect my authoritah!" Eric shouted. I rolled my eyes.

"He's with us, let him in." I said, pushing the man aside and letting Eric in. Theo, of course, beat me to wrapping my arms around him.

His eyes popped when he saw me and Theo slightly shaking and a little bit pale. "I got a 9-1-1 call from someone in this area, but I didn't put two-and-two together and realize that you two were the hurt ones. What on Earth happened?" It was rare to hear Eric have this much sincere concern in the tone of his voice.

"Theo fell into the shark tank, and I reached in and pulled him out." I stated flatly. "Oh my God! Are you OK?" Eric cried. "We're fine, Daddy. I promise." Theo said when he finally let Eric go.

Now it was my turn, and boy did I need the hug. "Where's your locket?" Eric asked. I sighed and gestured to the broken chain at the bottom of the tank. "What a shame. You love that thing. I don't think you ever took it off since the day I gave it you." That was true, I even showered and slept in it. But now I just shrugged it off and said, "It was a small price to pay." I picked Theo up and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"I love you both, you know that." Eric said and embraced the two of us. "And we love you, too, don't we, honey?" Theo nodded.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

I don't know who in the right mind would allow three boys to have a sleepover with one girl, but Theo and Mike were invited to Dennis and Melanie's house for a sleepover, and I couldn't say no to his adorable face.

"Do you have your toothbrush?" I asked. "Yup, don't worry, Mom, I have everything, I'll be fine." Theo replied. "OK, have fun!" _'And please don't rape Melanie.' _

I cried a little on the ride back home. It was his first night away from home. School was one thing, but this was a longer time period and although he had been over Dennis's many times, any familiar place could become rather creepy at night with the darkness, shadows, and rustling sounds of the wind.

But the more I thought about, the more I realized that Theo would be fine and come back Sunday Morning with a huge grin on his face. This was more a matter of me not wanting to let go of my son, wanting him to be my baby forever, even though he was growing up.

The moment I stepped foot out of the car, I smelled lobster coming from our house. Goddamn it, Eric had to make the one unkosher meal he knew I couldn't resist. And yet, the thought of him stand over the boiling pot, focused on making it the best meal ever turned me on. I guess one unkosher meal couldn't kill me. Eric had tricked me into eating real bacon rater than turkey bacon quite a few times, and I was fine (Mom once told me when I was kid that if Jews didn't eat kosher, God would come to us in a dream and say that we disowned him, but I never took it seriously anyway).

I was surprised that I was greeted by darkness. The drapes were closed and the lights turned off. The house would be pitch black if it wasn't for the light coming from some candles in the kitchen. Wait a minute, candles? Dude. Sure enough, the table was completely set, table cloth, wine, fine china, and everything, with three candles in the center.

"What the hell is this?" I cried. Strong arms came from behind me and wrapped around my chest. "Just because the kid's having party, doesn't mean we shouldn't." Eric said and he nuzzled his face into my hair. "I figured the fancy Jewish wine would make up for the lobster?" He hesitantly added.

I broke free from Eric's grip so I could turn and look at him. "Dude! You're wearing a suit! And you combed your hair!" At this point my mouth was wide open and I felt extremely underdressed in my jeans and black hoodie.

Eric shrugged, "I thought if we were gonna have a romantic dinner at least one of us should be dressed properly. It's no big deal, I can go upstairs and change quickly if you feel uncomfortable." "NO!" I grabbed onto his hand tightly. He was not going to leave my sight this evening. Any other evening when he was normal obnoxious, racist self, but not tonight. Tonight was different. As if he could read my mind, Eric chuckled, "Chill, Kahl, I'm not going anywhere."

"Seriously, dude, what's gotten into you? You're normal idea of a romantic dinner would be us heading out to KFC, and then maybe a beer or two." I said. "I don't know. I was thinking about doing that, but then I thought about what _you _might want for a change." Eric replied. Now I was speechless.

"I have something for you." Eric reached into pocket and pulled out a locket, "It's pretty much the same as your old one, except for the Star of David, I couldn't find one with a Star of David, went to fucking Jewish antique stores, and they had every other type of jewlery with the Star of David on it, can you believe it? But I did get the same picture in it." He put the locket around my neck and then gently kissed it.

"I don't know what to say." I whispred. "You don't have to say anything. Now come on, the lobster's getting cold." Eric led me to the table and poured us some wine.

"A toast to my beautiful Jew, who I've been married to for...let's see...since it's our _anniversary_...that would make it-" "OH SHIT!" It was our fucking anniversary! How could I forget?

"'Bout time you remembered." Eric laughed. "I'm so sorry, Eric, I don't know why-" "Hey, remember our first nine years, I forgot every single one of them, and each time, you threatened to divorice me, until I got it right on the tenth. You let me slip nine times, so I can let you slip you once, I'll still love you for it. Happy eleventh."

"Eleven years? Already." I echoed. "I know, more like eleven centuries-I mean minutes! I totally said minutes." Eric said. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm glad you're not mad." I said. "I was, and that's the main reason why I made lobster, so now I'm over it." Eric replied. "It's actually really good." I said as I took a few bites. "Of course it is, rebellion always tastes sweet."

"By the way," Eric said, "Theo left us a cheesy Hallmark card and a rock in the shape of heart on the mantle. I already thanked him. It's on the mantle." "God, I feel like such a douche for missing that." I sighed.

"Wanna make it up to me?" Eric asked. "Of course." I replied. "Bedroom later tonight." Was all he needed to say. I couldn't wipe the grin on my face. It had been so long since we had done it. It was mostly because I was scared Theo would hear us and wake up, but we didn't have to worry about that tonight. That sleepover really worked out.

But instead of dragging me to the bedroom when we were done, like I thought he would, Eric dragged me to the stereo and pressed play. _'I swear by the moon and the...' _The next thing I know, we're dancing (well, he's dancing, I'm just tripping over his feet). When the song was over we were still standing close enough to hear our own heartbeats. "I love you, Kahl, don't ever forget that." "How can I when I love you just as much?" I said.

I was expecting that cliché kiss, but as I leaned in, Eric picked me up and dragged me upstairs. "Let go of me, fat ass, I can walk!" I said. "I thought you said you wanted to make it up to me." He dropped me on the bed and pounced on me, ripping off his necktie and threw it towards the doorknob. You know what that means...


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

When I woke up, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was using Eric's chest as a pillow. I rolled off of him and found that I was a little sore from last night. That was to be expected.

"Godamn hippies." Eric mumbled in his sleep. I pressed my lips to his cheek and headed for the bathroom, not able to hide the smile from my face. I sure hope Theo's night was as good as ours.

As I threw my dental floss away, I noticed that the garbage was empty. No condom? I didn't remember Eric putting one on, but he must've knowing that the last time we went condom free, I got pregnant with Theo. But surely those pills that made it possible nine years back had worn out.

Only one way to find out, but I really didn't think it was happening again. Wendy gave me a pregnancy tester thing when she found out I was able to get pregnant. I had never used it until this morning, but they say these things are dead accurate.

Suddenly I found myself baffled, looking down at the word: Positive. Guess I was pregnant again.

**To be Continued **

**In a fifth book called Not Another One.**


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